I’ve never wanted to be rich or famous, and can honestly say I’ve truly satisfied my wildest dreams in that department. It’s not that I’ve lacked success, rather, I’ve lacked the desire to turn my success into a brand, or franchise whenever opportunity knocked.
That attitude stands at odds with the never-say-never person I perceive myself to be, in knowing there exists a slew of things I’ve never done.
To wit: I’ve never ridden on a roller coaster that wasn’t wooden — however, I only rode a wooden one once (Coney Island Cyclone circa 1971), and still shudder from the memory.
I’ve never smoked a cigarette, or joint — however, I did spend my youth in New York City during the flower power years where I inhaled lots (and lots) of second hand smoke.
I’ve never had a one night stand — however, I know I can always do that, but can never undo it.
I’ve never driven a car over 65 mph — however, I have been hit by one speeding at least that fast.
I’ve never won, nor lost an award for anything I’ve authored — however, I know if I’m ever willing to pay the application fee required to get nominated I might, at least, lose.
I’ve never grown a tomato plant that bore fruit costing me less than $5 per worm infested tomato — however, I’d gladly pay $5 for a tomato that tasted like the beefsteaks we ate hot off vine back in the day.
I’ve never run a marathon — however I did once win the fifty yard dash in 7th grade, marking the last time I ran anywhere, for anything ever again.
I’ve never chewed tobacco — however, I have crammed enough packs of Bazooka into my jaw at one time to make it look like a wad of skoal.
I’ve never cheated on an exam — however, I can’t play cribbage without crib notes.
I’ve never tried Spam — however, I was warned I’d flunk Spanish if I didn’t stop speaking it with a French accent.
I’ve never dissected a frog, nor mounted a butterfly — however, I did accept a ‘D’ in science rather than comply, back before it was against school board law to cop out.
I’ve never donned a little black dress — however, I do own a little black dress I’ll never wear.
I’ve never worked at a job I didn’t love — however, I have quit every job I’ve ever loved in due time.
I’ve never had my heart broken — however, I do wonder if I’ve ever broken one.
I’ve never eaten oysters — however, I have been (oy!) slimed.
I’ve never acted like a call girl — however, I did chat with Gwen Verdon, backstage on the opening night of Sweet Charity, after acting like I knew her.
I’ve never stayed for the length of a Major League baseball game — however, I did get hit in the head by a Tiger’s fly ball in the third inning of the only game I ever attended.
I’ve never learned how to swim — however, I did (at age 65) learn how to float upon being given ear plugs.
I’ve never eaten organic candy that could compare to a Clark bar — however, I’ve tried, and found it trying.
I’ve never spent much time with anyone from Canada — however, I did once spend way too much time with Canadian Club.
I’ve never tasted a praline I didn’t devour — however, I’m always up for the challenge.
I’ve never been to Paris — however, I did once duck for cover when the Concorde came in for a landing over our heads while we were stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.
I’ve never left food on my plate at a dinner party — however, I have pilfered a few cloth dinner napkins filled with food that wasn’t particularly appetizing.
I’ve never encountered a stray dog, or cat I didn’t rescue if it would let me — however, I have broken every promise I ever made not to rescue another stray ever again if please, pretty please can we keep this one.
I’ve never ridden a horse up a mountain — however, I was thrown by one down a hill.
I’ve never been an extra in a movie — however, I have starred in a nationally syndicated television commercial.
I’ve never seen a shuttle launch — however, I did risk being arrested to slip under the rope and sit in the John Glenn Friendship 7 Mercury space capsule at the Kennedy Space Center.
I’ve never simply said ‘yes’ upon being asked by a waitress if I’d like a cup of coffee at the end of a meal — however, I do always say, “Only if you’ve just now made a fresh pot, otherwise, no.”
And, I’ve never made myself a bucket list — however, this could probably pass as one.
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